Where are they now?: Tree of the Week Update

by thebillcollektah

You may remember this promising “up and comer” from several months ago, but it may have taken you a second to recognize it. It took everyone at TOTW (@Treeofweek) a few minutes. Let’s just say this leafy disappointment has really let itself go. Or dare we say… grow.

As the devoted reader may recall, this once slender sapling captivated a nation. The topiary’s entanglement with a chain length fence was an all out media circus, and launched both the tree AND the section of fence into Baby Jessica and the Well’s status of stardom.

After a hiatus from the public eye that’s lasted over 6 months, shocking photos reveal the tree has fallen into a black, bottomless pit of over eating. “Unhealthy eating habits, both the amount and quality of what’s being consumed, can contribute to a massive weight gain like the one we’re seeing with the tree,” says Tree of the Week celebrity physician, Dr. Zul Lambtume. “Combined with a sedentary lifestyle, this can be very dangerous for the trees wellbeing. And their careers. I mean this young, beautiful sapling held an enormous potential,” elaborates Lambtume. “Not unlike the candles flame seen in a young Brook Sheilds, this young trees light has been extinguished under mounds of disgusting mass. Like when Ricki Lake got really fat.”

Sponsorships have been lost. Fans disappointed. A rumored friends with benefits type relationship with Brad Garrett is said to be “on the rocks.” What can be done to reverse the runaway freight train of self destruction? Dr. Lambtume suggests, “a regime of light, therapeutic starvation coupled with some heavy sanding” should take care of some of the unsightly pounds gained in the tree’s dark months.

“These steps are very necessary to give this young tree it’s life back. If we don’t take this situation seriously, or if treatment isn’t started immediately, it is my medical opinion that no one will ever want to rub their penis on this tree ever again.”